Hiding my droopy eyelid / ptosis & other tricks to living with ptosis

So I decided to next write about my lifetime of trying to hide my ptosis from people. Again to recap, I have ptosis of the right eye. And eyelid retraction of the left. Which the combination of causes eye asymmetry that at least I perceive to be pretty dramatic. Ironically, alot of people don't really notice it which tells me that either its not that dramatic, or I hide it really well. I do think its the latter cause in my last doctor visit is was dramatically visible, and also easy to see in photos.

This condition for me has been going on for about as long as I can remember. Probably the earliest I really started noticing it was in college. About 14 years ago. It wasn't that dramatic though, or at least I don't remember it to be, cause I didn't obsess over it like I do now. The difference might have been 1mm, which is like 10% of my regular 10mm to 12mm size of eye. But as time progressed it moved to closer to 4mm. A pretty visible difference at any angle.

I will address this in another post, but basically how I felt about myself and my ability to communicate effectively with others, and any sense of self worth was affected by this. So at some point I actively was trying to hide it.

But just to back up for a bit, at first I wasn't that bothered with it. First of one eye was not retracting yet, it was still sort of stationary, meaning that aside from the normal eyelid movement range from the day, it wasn't pulling up to reveal the white above my eyelid. The other was a little lazy. But when I felt it being heavy, I sort of did this inquisitive thing with the eyebrow. Where I raise the far end, if anyone has ever The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert does it for dramatic effect. But I would do that quickly to simply lift the eyelid, and then it would seem to stay there for at least a bit. Recently, when I was explaining this droopy eye thing to a close friend of many, many years he told me its hard to tell that eye droops because I am always doing that inquisitive lift. I guess at some point I got so used to it that I was doing it subconsciously. So that worked for a while.

However more recently, and as I became more aware of how bad the ptosis was becoming. And noticing the eye retraction on the other eye, I really started to do mental gymnastics in front of the mirror to see how to hide it. I sort of for the first time had to actively figure out how to hide this from people.

One way, which I hate doing to this day, is I do NOT maintain eye contact for very long. Rarely for more than a second or less even. I hate not maintaining eye contact, but am so self conscious about the eye, that I just don't do it. Reason I hate not maintaining eye contact, is that I normally am fairly confident and want to show people respect by looking in the eyes. Somehow those intentions were drowned out from me over years of embarrassment, and so now its rare that I maintain eye contact.

To further provide detail, I tend to look at a person intermittently just to acknowledge I am paying attention. So I will look up and make brief eye contact to acknowledge person, and then be looking down or somewhere else during the conversation, with brief looks back. While alot of people do this, as this is pretty normal. No one wants to be creepy and just stare at someone. I sort of perfected the art of doing it very, very briefly. Sometime too brief to be socially acceptable. So its easy for it to seem that I am "not present" or "paying attention" but that's sort of the way it is with some people. Some people think that but not a large enough group to convince me I don't make enough eye contact. Normall I can offer enough verbal cues that I am still present in conversation.

So for example, I will look at person, and when they look at me, I will hold eye contact briefly, and I will turn away and in most instances look down at the ground or something while they talk. And acknowledge to be listen by nodding my head knowingly and looking up briefly periodically. While I am talking, I tend to be animated anyway and talk with my hands so there is usually a reason to be looking away or looking around, and only once in a while look back at person in acknowledgement.

Another trick is to furl the eyebrows, to really be dramatic with facial expressions. Most of those tend to obscure the eyelids, or even part of the eyes. I'm not doing this to the point of being comical, like TV host who exentuate every emotion for the audience and are over animated. Jim Carrey is a good example. But enough to hide the eyes a bit. When you furl you brows you can look like you are really focused on what the person is saying, and also hide the eyes a bit. Same with doing a squint where you shrink your eyes, when eyelids pulldown. Can't think of any exampel right now ehere that can be used.

My best trick in the book, which I lost due to a surgery for eyelid retraction recently (again, will cover in another post). is sort of hard to describe. But my ex used to call it the puppy dog look. I would put my chin down, and look up at people. Sort of with that "I'm sorry I chewed up the couch" puppy look. One it was convenient for getting symparthy when I did something wrong. But mainly very useful to hide the eyelids. Cause when I would do that my eyes are deep set enough that my eyelids were covered by my brow. Of course both eyelids pull up ok, so this only showed eyes and eyebrows. Could not see that eyelids were uneven. But at some point, you just look sad and sorry. So the key was not to lower you chin too much. You only do it a little it looks serious, inquzitive, and thoughtful. Even sort of intelectual, like "I'm listening intently".

Now, it might seem crazy to go to these lengths to hide how eyes look. Even writing this was somewhat embarresing, even if not a single person reads/sees it. I don't think I'm crazy :) I think I am just trying very hard not to be defeated by this issue. And honestly, I'm living in my own mind, and my mind has a certain way of interpreting how I should act to feel good about myself. I do have Obsessive Compulsive tendencies too, so it actually was not hard to follow some of these rules or tendencies. Although I do gotta say, it really is exhausting at times, to always be thinking about how you look. I have never been vail or really cared much if I was attractive or not, but this eye thing is draining because I simply want to feel "normal", whatever the definition fo that maybe. I look at peoples eyes, and always feel jealous now a days. Its alot to get over and a constant struggle.

I wish I could see into others minds to see how they would react (would they precieve my tricks as crazy?), but I don't personally know anyone else with ptosis. I envy the people who deal with ptosis and somehow do not let it affect them. There are some out there, and they are my heros cause they have to be mentally strong and sure of themselves. Here is one video of a girl who is totally cool with it, it seems: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPf7rk1Zyoc. But for me the path has not been too easy. I would be conforted at least a little bit that there are other like me that have their own rituals. I'd like to know how they stay sane, how they avoid looking into a mirror several times a day, and so on and on.

We will see, maybe someone will find this blog and share their story. That's the goal anyway.